Welcome to my Breast Cancer Blog.
Welcome to my Breast Cancer Blog. I was diagnosed in July 2012 (Friday 13th to be exact!) with stupid Breast Cancer. I was 43. Believe me, it was not in my life plan. But shit happens. Deal with it.
Anyway, I have been writing this blog to try and make sense of it all. I write it as my alterego "BC Girl". Rather like "Hitgirl". Sometimes it helps to pretend to be someone else. My superpowers are (1) Fangirling (2) Moaning (3) Drinking Wine and (4) Moaning. Epic. And, unlike in real life, as BC Girl, I am sweary and bloodyminded. Mostly positive, with a handful of doom and gloom chucked in - come on - we all love a bit of doom and gloom - isn't that what sells papers, after all? I also hope I can be as fiesty as Hitgirl. I intend to fight this sucker with blasters, sub-machine guns, karate, cannons, tanks, laserbeams, nukes, flamethrowers and any other bloody thing I can lay my hands on! Also I shall throw in some comedy, irony, fangirling and music along the way, just for laughs. What harm can that do?
So this is my rambling blog, from a harrassed middle aged mum of two, with a long-suffering hubbie, trapped in the surreal world of Breast Cancer, with all the shit that brings (scans, chemo, operations, more scans, blah, blah, blah). I cannot promise words of wisdom. I cannot guarantee that any of this will make sense. But I can definitely assure you there will be LOTS OF MOANING about cancer crap!
And there will also be copius amounts of f a n g i r l i n g.
You have been warned.
Welcome Visitors.
All views and opinions expressed in this blog are my own. I hope that my experience will help someone out there who is struggling with a similar diagnosis or having a hard time. I welcome your comments. But I am a positive kinda girl so no negativity please. It bums me out! Now we know where we stand, sit down with a cuppa and read on......
News
Well that was (almost) the week that was!
01/05/2013 21:03
Its only Wednesday. And I am all "hospitall-ed" out. So far, I have had the delights of a mammogram, an ultrasound and more blood tests (because the last lot got con-tam-in-ated!) And I still have Friday to look forward to. Friday being another load of bloods (for cross-matching!) and another chat with my Plastics Surgeon (I hope I don't have to punch some sense into him this time!)
And to think, I blew out my friends Rachel this morning and Tina this afternoon (sorry guys!) for the wonderful atmosphere of hospitals, needles, scans and clinical stuff. What was I thinking. I am a Muppet!
So anyway, next week is D-Day. Mammo-day. Time to hack the boob off and build a new one one. Lets hope we get all the sucker this time. If not, I will seriously have to smack a frying pan in someone's face. Angry? Me? with my reputation?
Well roll on next week. Then I can really have a moan........
Thank you Twitter. And Good Night.
25/04/2013 10:57
Right peeps. I have some news. On a rather epic scale. And it is 100% not related to Breast Cancer at all. Uh-uh. No way folks. It is cancer free. Organic. Virginal. But sweet and tasty news it be. And I bet you are all glad too - that it's not effing cancer related news - I mean. I bet you are all sick to the back teeth of reading about it. I am sick of writing about cancer. And talking about it. And living with it. Enough of the whole damn shit now really.
Anyway back to my epic news. As some of you may be aware, I do like my moosick. I have an eclectic and diverse taste in music (but no Jazz please!). I have been known to listen to Michael Buble's Cry me a River when I am completely wined-up (which hasn't happened for a long time - the wine I mean!). But generally speaking I like rock/emo/punk/alternative/goth etc. You know usual stuff that you find in the charts (not!) from bands such as Muse, Linkin Park, Placebo, MCR, Radiohead, Evanescence, etc. But as may have...
One Lump or Two?
21/04/2013 19:16
Ok. Its official. I am starting to get a bit stressed now. Just a little bit. Ok. Scratch that. A lot stressed.
I had a bath last night. I know there is nothing unusual in nightly ablutions. But, when you have Breast Cancer, a nightly bath can take a turn for the worst. I think I have found another lump. Its feels weird. It doesn't feel like the first lump. And I am not sure it is even something to worry about. But it is definitely there. It is in the same breast but higher up, near my sternum. Which is not good. If its a lump. How could it be? It can't bloody well effing grow that quick surely not? It must be some kind of mutant cancer to grow that quick.
I suppose I will have to bother my Consultant again. I kinda of don't want to bother him again. He must have better things to do. And also I don't want to look like a complete shmuck. After all, I consider myself a bit "knowledgable" on all the Breast Cancer crap now. My street cred will take a hammering if I...
It's All Going On....
17/04/2013 20:02
Well, sorry for the mini 'hiatus'. Not intentional, just been trying to do "non-cancer" related stuff. Not successfully as it happens. I saw my Consultant again on Monday. Had a red and angry boob again which I thought was infected. It is obviously cross as it knows its days are numbered. My Consultant wasn't sure and thought it may be necrosis. But he prescribed me antibiotics anyway.
As I am a bit of a gamer, I liken him to the "Prince of Persia" franchise, a master swordsman, ready to do battle with double blades as well as staff. I reckon the shitty cancer doesn't stand a chance with him. He confirms we are all systems go for the mastectomy date. So that is all good. (Although the prospect of losing a boob is not so good!)
Then down to the other hospital(s) today for a full day of needles, scans, tests, meetings with consultants and form filling. I fell like I could give a presentation on it! We begin the day with another CT Scan. I have to have a big cannula...
'Silver Clouds, Grey Linings'
06/04/2013 14:54
Anoher day, another doctor. This time I am meeting the Big Cheese. The Head Honcho. The Mammary Master. This man rebuilds ladies like me.
He seems very nice. We exchange pleasantries. He likes Green Day and Muse. I decide he is ok. Time for the usual de-robe and inspection. He gets his tape measure out. I am used to this by now. I feel like a protagonist in a gun fight in an old Western, being measured up by the undertaker, just before High Noon. He asks me what my bra size is. I reply and he says "No, I think you are smaller than that." (I think to myself - That is not helpful mate.)
He shows me lots of "Before" and "After" photos. 90% of the ladies are large and well-endowed. I guess he doesn't see many like me. Now I understand. Reading between the lines, from his comments, I get the impression, as I am not very busty, that I don't need a bust. It is an inconvenience I can plainly do without.
We sit back down to discuss my 'options'. He draws lots of diagrams. He is...
I have a Stalker. Her name is CanCer.
06/04/2013 06:33
She is an evil son-of-a-bitch. Like a poisionous vine, she twists around my leg. I try to shake free but her grip justs get tighter. I drag her along. She just laughs. She is enjoying the ride.
She is everywhere. Omnipresent. She is in head and in my thoughts. Constantly She is in my dreams She whispers in my ear, in the middle of the night. Her breath is fetid poision. "I am here. Inside youuuuu. I will never leave you."
She is everything. All around me. When I watch TV, she is there in the background. Waiting for me. She is always on the tip of my tongue in conversation. She is on the Internet. And Twitter. And Facebook. And she is always at the end of a phone.
She likes to play. But not in a nice way. She likes to play with your mind and mess up your life. She demands immediate attention, like a toddler having a temper trantrum. She stamps her feet and shakes her fist, saying "Don't forget about me. Not now. Not ever." She will mess up your plans. You learn to drop...
Time To Get Badass
05/04/2013 08:13
Ripley, Hulk, Trinity, Wolverine, Lara Croft, Selene, Morpheus, Lisbeth, Alice, Sam and Dean Winchester....
Badass dudes. Every single one of them. I have always been meek and mild. Never said boo to a goose. Got my head down and got on with it. I do not stick out from the crowd if I can help it. But given recent events in my life I think I need to start getting "badass".
I realise that soon, very, very soon I will be having major surgery (the 3rd lot). I am still having side effects from the chemo (give me a goddamn break already!) and recovering from the previous two operations.
So I will be researching - Google and I are best friends - to determine the ultimate, badass cancer-kicking, yeah-you-rock, I'm-not-taking-any-more-shit-from-you character and then I will see if I can become them - MAH-WAH-HAHA. (Evil laugh and stroke of hairy chin).
At least figuratively speaking any ways......
This is no time to be a softie. I get the feeling I'm not in Kansas anymore.
'I'm in the de-details with the Devil'
04/04/2013 09:40
I asked for my pathology reports today. My consultant was relcutant to give them to me. I whinged at him and eventually he relented. I know this was probably a bad idea. I think he also knew it was a bad idea. I like to google. So it should be no surprise that google I did.
My consultant had commented, as he handed over the histology details, that I was "interesting". "Interesting" hey? In an enigmatic way? No, my pathology was interesting.
I know now about the coil marker and how it had bisected the tumour. One bit had gone off on its own - rogue - as I call it and the other bit had stayed in the same place. Scans at the end of chemo indicated that the blasted lump had shrunk from 2.3cm to 1.2cm. Yay much celebrating. I thought to myself - Great, the hair loss, the griniding pain, the nausea , and all the other side effects are worth it as it has halved. BUT we did not know that this was just the bit that had stayed "in-situ". The coil marker had cut the tumour in...
'Put On Your Warpaint!'
28/03/2013 12:10
Thank God for Fall out Boy. They have released the most amazing song. Just when I needed it. Go check it out. It's called The Phoenix. The first line of the song is 'Put on your warpaint'. (I know its not personally for me! I am not dumb!) But it feels very personal at the moment, given the shitstorm that is still swirling around my head. So I would like to say thank you to Patrick, Pete, Joe and Andy for this song which is now going to be my motto. I love you guys. Right, enough fangirling, on with the blog!
Thursday 28th March. Results day (again!). I already have a bad feeling about this! We have been here before. Groundhog Day.
My consultant welcomes me with a smile. But I can tell in his eyes, he knows more than he is letting on. We exchange pleasantries and then we get to the nittygritty. He asks me how the boob is. I reply "It is very mangled. And sore. And red. It is not happy." He has to look at it. I do not think this is a wise idea. The boob has...
We Have A Plan
08/03/2013 10:55
Here we go again. I am back on the ward, in a stupid hospital gown. I am last on the list. There is only me and another lady. I start to make conversation with the lady opposite. We exchange commentary about our diagnosis. I ask who her surgeon and it's Mr ______.
To quote a lyric from one of my favourite songs, "I digress". I am a big fan of Mr ______. I like to fangirl generally anyway. I could give you a whole list of gentlemen I like to fangirl over. But it would probably fill up this blog and this is not the time or the place. Anway, I start to fangirl re: Mr _____ and say generally how amazing he is, what a nice man he is, how caring and kind, etc.
She doesn't answer me. I realise she is at least 10 years older than me (I am not ageist but a lot of people I meet on this journey are older than me!) amd, like myself, she is probably scared shitless. I decide now would probably be a good time to shut up.
A lovely young lady doctor comes round to talk to us,...