Return to me Salvation

12/06/2013 07:56

Thank you Warrior Prince. 

He is confident he got it. All of it. The pathology confirmed it was all high grade DCIS. No IDC. And although the margin was only 2mm from the chest wall (which is very close!) he is confident it is all gone. So, apart from the hormonal therapy, no more treatment. No more chemo. No rads. No more operations. I am very relieved. I am done. 

He was stressed. And a bit rushed. He was a bit "off". But I think he was running late and busy. And he didn't have to give me bad news today. Which made a nice change! So perhaps he wanted to save his energy for the ladies who needed a hand to hold. Like I did when the brick wall of the cancer diagnosis slammed into me. 

He is referring me for a bone density scan (DEXA) to check out the hip which is still giving me jip! He says it could be a number of things but it isn't secondary cancer which is the main thing. I can deal with anything else. And I had to go and have more blood tests. Which took ages. The first vein looked good but as soon as the nurse got a needle in there, it did it's usual trick, and exploded and stopped working. So, four attempts later, she called in the expert lady, who is trained with the butterflies, and she stuck a tiny, wee, fine needle (that they use on children) into my right hand, near my thumb, which was the only place that was working. And she jiggled it and prodded it about, which was rather painful, as I needed  three vials taking out. I am having the works - Tumour Markers (CA-153, CA-125, CA-EAR), Serum, Vitamin D, Liver Function (well that one will come back shite - too much wine!), WBC, FBC and Thyroid function.  And I will be called back for the mammogram (yuck - I hate them anyway!!). And I can start taking the Tamoxifen. Which will make the mood swings, the depression, the hot flashes and the night sweats oh so much better (not!). 10 years of Tamoxifen. If they give me 10 years I will happily take the tablets.

And I don't need to see Warrior Prince for six months now. 

Felt a bit lost when I came out - having lived this nightmare for almost a year, and constantly being advised that the next step is 'a,b,c,' I don't really have a plan now. Well I do in that I plan to get on with my life. I plan to make up for all the time I was too poorly to do stuff with my hubby and kids and make the most of now. I plan to appreciate the sunrises and the sunsets. I plan to make the most of each day, even if the weather is crap, and the day is filled with mundane taks such as housework or ironing (!) or food shopping. I have doubted I would be here. I have sometimes doubted that in the end I wouldn't make it. Some days have been really, really hard. And I have doubted things would ever be the same again. And to be honest they never will.

My kids have suffered. My husband has suffered. My family and friends have suffered. I am sorry. So, so sorry. We have all given too much to this crap. I don't worry about myself and what I had to go through. Watching everyone else's pain has been very hard to deal with. And the uncertainty of it all. And the relentlessness of constant treatment and hospital appointments wears you down. Five months of chemo and six operations in 10 months. That's dark man. Really dark. No one should have to do that shit. But I am lucky. I am finished. And I am still here. And lots of people are still going thorugh all this pain. And lots of people don't make it. So I have nothing to complain about. It's all good.

Thank you. EVERYBODY. You have fought this battle with me. You have all been with me every step of the way. You have walked in my shoes and taken some of the burden. I couldn't have done it without you. Like I said to Warrior Prince yesterday "You have saved my life. How can you possibly thank someone for doing that?" And all of you have saved my life. So Thank You. That doesn't seem enough. The words seem shallow and hollow. But I can't think of any others. 

Glad I am done. Time to move on. I have things to do. I have a life to live. I have fangirling to do at Reading (God, I am looking forward to Fall Out Boy). Better start saving for the holiday with my daughter to L.A. We are on. 

"Not tormented daily defeated by you. Just when I though I'd reached the bottom." I'm out. Cancer, kiss my big fat arse.