Cancer you can bloody well do one now!
Well. Here I am. Two weeks post-op(s). And I have had a bit of a wobble. Only a small one. A wibbly one. But a bit of a wobble yesterday, none-the-less. Things got a bit on top of me and my mojo went off for a wander. I think it needs a holiday from all the cancer bullshit.
I saw the doctor yesterday and I also had a long chat with Igraine, my BCN. I asked the doctor for some "Happy Pills". Yes, I know how utterly, utterly stupid of me. I don't need any more pills. I really don't - I rattle when I walk as it is. My medicine cabinet is probably a drug addict's paradise. But I just felt really low yesterday. I think it was the combination of lots of surgeries and all that entailed, probable withdrawal from the morphine, the really awful news about Margaret, and the realisation how very, very bad things could have gone. And also, as the doctor said, my body has been through major trauma. One op in itself would have been traumatic enough. Let alone four. She said it was the equivalent trauma to being in a car crash or a train wreck. And that I probably have a bit of post-traumatic stress going down. But she also said "I know you. You are Mrs Positive. You will bounce back from this. All the way through you have been positive. And feisty. And downright determined to get better. That hasn't changed. It's just that your physical body has taken so much it needs resources diverted from your mental well being to help repair it. So no pills for you. You don't need them." which makes sense. And she is probably right. And I am allowed to have "down" days. Geesh. I have flipping cancer. I have suffered major trauma and I lost a really dear friend in the space of a week.
And, to top it all, I have to wear surgical stockings, big pants, shoot myself up (although thankfully thats all done with now), take loads of medication, rest, I can't drive and I have no life! NO WONDER I AM HACKED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
My Lady Igraine helped a lot too. She is referring me to the Lymphodema Clinic and I will get a funky bracelet. I don't have Lymphodema, thank gooness,and I don't want it either. But we are going down the preventative route, just in case, because of the great big scar in my arm. And no Tamoxifen until we get the pathology results and I see Warrior Prince in June. I have been worrying I will need more chemo as its Grade 3. Grade 3 is automatically chemo. That's the protocol. And although I have had some, there has always been a "maybe scenario" that I may need more. So I asked her yesterday "What if the Pathology comes back and its still Grade 3?". She said, even if its Grade 3, its doubtful that they will give me more chemo right now. I have been through enough. The evil boob is gone and all the tissue and nodes which could hide any pesky cancer cells are gone. They hope that they have got it all and, as there is no evidence it has spead anywhere else at the moment, they would prefer I got better and fully recovered. So I am not Upgraded to Stage 3 at the moment (which means it has spread to other areas like bones and organs). Which is better than good. And I intend to keep it that way.
I am looking forward to moving on with my life. Much as I love my Warrior Prince and Igraine, visiting them once every 6 months instead of every few weeks sounds like a damn good plan.
And I also managed to sleep better last night. I only woke once at 2.10 am. And then got up at 5.30. And that's quite good for me. So things are looking a bit brighter today. And I have my positive hat on. It is a bit tatty and battered and looks a bit like the hat in Harry Potter. But it is full to the brim of positive thoughts.
I managed to get through , quite frankly, an horrendous ordeal, and come out the other side intact. I have a new boob which looks better than the old one. And I have a flat tummy which money can't buy. And I have met some amazing people on this journey. And I have wonderful friends (Kate, Helen, Tina, Lorraine, Rachel, Lisa, Michelle, Carolyn - to name a few but the list goes on and I apologise if I have missed anyone off - you are all amazing - you have supported me and kept me well supplied and helped me with the children and given me a kick up the backside when I needed it!). And I have the most amazing and epic family. My hubby and children are just - well words cannot describe how special and wonderful they are. And my sister, Alice who has ferried me all over the country recently and is always helping me; and My Mum who is mothering me (that's what Mums do) and Sarah who has joined me with my fangirling and has kept me laughing. And my dog, Ruby who is very smelly but very cuddly and supremely loyal.
And then I have Warrior Prince and Igraine and Mr Bond and all his hunky registars and all the other hospital staff who have fought this battle with me too, and have supported me every step of the way. And I am lucky. And I do get down thinking about Margaret and all the other brave ladies who have lost this fight, and my heart breaks for them and their families. But I am determined to win the battle in their namesake and their memory.
I am of a mind to allude to the battle scene in Braveheart. When William Wallace gives his famous speech :
"Aye, fight and you may die! Run and you'll live...at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take.....OUR FREEDOM".
And then they all run into battle, blue woad shimmering in the misty air. With pikes and swords drawn. Tartan kilts are flashed in the air to scare the English away. And although they may have been defeated, at least they took a stand. And they stood their ground. And they fought. And that is what I shall do.
But I shall wear my corset which I have ordered on-line. And like them I shall don my warpaint. And I will stand in front of that shit that is cancer, raise two fingers at it and stick my tongue out, Maori Haka mode and tell it right where to go. And I shall enjoy kicking it in the bollocks. There is no other option.
And at the end of the battle, I shall raise a glass to my friends and family. And light a candle to Margaret and all the other ladies. And I shall never, ever forget the true meaning of life. Its not about the money or the bling. Its not about what you've got and what you can get. Its about friendship, camaraderie, family, respect and most of all Life is about Love. And we should all share that.
So there cancer. Now bugger off now. You really are not welcome here anymore.
